A few months ago Nintendo unveiled its next massive project: Super Smash Bros Ultimate! The company boasted that EVERYONE would be back including the likes of Young Link, Pichu, and the Ice Climbers. Even better though, the game would introduce brand new characters as well! Sounds amazing right!? WRONG. What Mr. Sakurai failed to mention that these new characters would come at a cost. You can’t get something for nothing after all. No, we would get these brand new characters at the cost of watching our old Nintendo favorites DIE BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!! This post is to remember those that have been brutally murdered for the sake of improving the Smash roster.
Mario (1981 – 2018)
Everyone’s favorite plumber Mario was cut down in his prime June 12, 2018 while on a space mission with bounty hunter Samus Aran and Mega Man. Mario is remembered for countless accolades in sports such as tennis, kart racing, and baseball. When Mario wasn’t excelling in sports he was saving the Mushroom Kingdom and rescuing Princess Peach. Although he was also known for throwing unusually cruel and spiteful parties with friends, Mario will always be remembered as an icon and hero in the gaming community. The culprit, infamous space pirate Ridley, is still at large. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts please contact the Federation Police or your local space bounty hunter.
Mega Man (1987 – 2018)
Mega Man was sadly impaled to death by the vicious space pirate Ridley on the same space mission Mario was taken from us. Mega Man has saved the world from the likes of Dr. Wiley, Sigma, and countless over evil robots for years. Mega Man has even traveled to other realities defeating the likes of Akuma from Street Fighter and even Marvel villains such as Venom and Magneto. Mega Man made his first Smash appearance in Super Smash Bros Wii U after much fan demand so seeing him gone so soon after is a tragedy that’ll stick with many for years to come. Mega Man is survived by his creator Dr. Light, his brother Proto Man, sister Roll, and his robot dog Rush. The family asks that all gifts be in the form of donations to Dr. Light’s kickstarter: Mega Man X.
Luigi (1983 – 2018)
As if losing Mario wasn’t bad enough, the gaming world also lost his brother Luigi August 8th, 2018 after a ghost hunting trip went horribly wrong. Luigi was found with his literal soul ripped out by vampire hunter Simon Belmont. Belmont had this to say at the scene: “To be honest I thought that was Mario… but I guess this is sad too.” Though never as successful as Mario, Luigi had plenty of his own accolades as well such as owning his own mansion, becoming a doctor like his brother, and being a doubles tennis champion! Anywhere Mario went, Luigi wasn’t too far behind to be his backup and he will always be remembered for his loyalty. Luigi’s mansion and other belongings have been left to his girlfriend Princess Daisy… who is also in Smash so God only knows how much longer she’s got too. We would also like to take this moment remind people that exploring Dracula’s Castle is not only incredibly stupid, but dangerous for those that aren’t Vampire Hunters.
King Dedede (1992 – 2018)
After a failed attempt at pranking an ape and a chimp, King Dedede was punched into orbit by fellow ruler King K Rool. Whether the attack was over turf, food, or purely out of spite is unknown, but the people of Dream Land are happy to know that Dedede won’t be stealing their food ever again. Though not inherently evil, Dedede was known for stealing the food of others and in general causing mischief. A local Waddle Dee commented saying he was glad to “Not have to carry his ass around anymore” even though he was technically now out of a job. King Dedede employed hundreds of Waddle Dees for labor work, and to be used as throwing objects for target practice. All of the food Dedede has stolen will be donated to the Waddle Dees and their families that are currently unemployed.
Jokes aside, what is up with these character reveal trailers!? Don’t get me wrong they’re amazing, but do we really have to see so many characters get murdered!? Luigi’s was definitely the most brutal so far, but I am almost scared to see who’s getting the murder treatment next!
The Magical World of Dids 